WASHINGTON-- After years of fighting nasal oppression and sticking the finger of justice up the nose of evil, the American government is reluctantly admitting that they are losing the War Against Picking. Despite efforts that included promoting nasal hygiene, raising public awareness, and addressing social concerns, millions of Americans are still drilling for "nose candy" on a daily basis.

Young Kevin MacDermid, only eight-years-old, has been picking his nose since he was three.

"How can we expect the younger generation to use a handkerchief when the politicians are wiping the taxpayers' money all over the seats of the Senate?" asked Marvin. "Most Americans are scratching their noses trying to come up with a resolution, but there are no clear guidelines or programs in place to help them blow this problem away."

Picking-and-flicking is rampant among America's youth. It is believed that American children are embracing Mr. Nosegoblin with open digits, with little or no regard for the consequences--nosebleeds, dirty fingernails, and dry sinuses.

"My little Darren is a picker," admitted Katie Preston, mother. "It's his father's fault. He sees him picking, and he thinks it's okay to do it himself. He doesn't realize that picking is wrong. It's as bad as smoking, and less socially acceptable."

Statisticians estimate that picking is done more often than cocaine, or "blow" as it's called on the street.

"People think they can just flick away the problem," said Marvin, "but they're not going to be able to hide it under the seat cushions. This sort of problem will get under your fingernails. We need to see some leadership on this issue. The government needs to unclog the bureaucracy, and blow these nose nuggets into the very tissue of our democracy. We can win this war, but only by keeping our nose clean."

"We will continue to dig for answers," said one senate representative, waving his finger resolutely into the air.