The ass sweater is not as discreet as women think.

OVER THE HIPS --It comes as no surprise that men like to stare at the curvy parts of a woman. It's built into their genetic code, and part of the magical mating ritual. It's a fact that women love to flaunt their shapeliness with creative colourful garments that enhance the female physique. But there is, to the detriment of the male population, an article of clothing (no it's not the bra) that is working to interfere with the ability to "appreciate" the female figure. It doesn't have a proper name, but it's loosely referred to as the "ass sweater."

The ass sweater removes the need to lose that extra five pounds. It innocuously drapes over the hips, and conveniently falls over the buttocks, discreetly disguising any uncomfortable rear anomalies. The ass sweater is basically a show curtain intended to cover the entire "backstage."

And the bigger the "problem", the bigger the sweater. But there's only so much these woven materials can do to cover the portly portions of the female physique. Other than actually losing weight, everything else has been tried before: vertical stripes, gathered skirts, control-top panty hose. The only thing that truly works is wearing black--but not in Spandex!!!

Ladies, putting a piece of heavy clothing over your behind isn't a fashion statement. We know it for what it is--a fanny blind, a rump reducer, a derriere disguise, a butt cape. It's a sweater with one sole purpose: to cover up your ass.

Men don't have a stylish solution for masking their beer guts. Unless they're wearing a catcher's chest protector, or they're carrying a cooler (which is probably full of beer), they're not capable of hiding that beer bulge from anyone. Yes, a guy could try wearing a girdle or a "manziere," but do you think that anyone was ever fooled by William Shatner's midsection manipulations? If Kirk's girdle ever failed, that tummy tucker would launch into space at warp speed.