The rumours of Mr. Hand’s excesses started to surface. One woman in New Jersey was caught using his middle finger to pleasure herself. He was frequently seen drunk and shouting to cars of female college students that he could add flavour to their sex life. “I’ll be there when you need a helping hand!” was his stock phrase.

Eventually, 4-H left Mittsy and his career behind in 1996 when General Mills pursued a new advertising direction, leaving him out of production.

Mr. Hand saw this as an opportunity to get his fingers wet in another industry. Unfortunately he had been spoiled by his years as top dog and couldn’t settle as merely a helping hand. He landed a string of low-end jobs as a sock puppet, but left precipitously when his boss continued to rub him the wrong way.

In 2001 Mr. Hand was stung when General Mills revived the hand helping out with Hamburger Helper, but gave the thumbs up to another actor. Despondent, sick from scented hand lotions, and with liver spots appearing everywhere, Mr. Hand finally checked into a clinic.

Mr. Hand, calloused from years of rough-handed living, is slowly recovering and coming to terms with his new position in life. He’s tired of the late nights and rough mornings. He just wants to get off the night table and back into product promotion... before he dies of a stroke.

Biting Satire is humor and parody with teeth! Please understand that this satire article is fictitious, and only intended for entertainment purposes. Copyright Biting Satire (this year).