How do these messages suddenly appear on dirty, unwashed vehicles?

You know your car is in serious need of a good washing, but you just haven't had the time to hose it off yourself or get it to the local "touch less" carwash.

But today, as you prepared for the morning work commute in your mud-ravaged vehicle, you noticed a suspiciously odd message scrolled, scribbled, or possibly etched into the heavy cake of dirt on the rear hatch of your car.

As you looked closer to examine the peculiar mud markings, you notice a remarkably clear message:

"Wash Me”.

This car has the unexplained "wash me" sign clearly imprinted on its rear hatch.

"You don't see dirty children with 'wash me' messages carved into their foreheads," said Crystal Klucher, a paranormal investigator who has theorized that Stonehenge was a Roman drive-thru restaurant for charioteers on the go. "You don't see cryptic messages appearing on a mechanic’s oil-stained coveralls, or branded on the family dog. It seems to be a localized phenomenon confined to the backs, sides, and windshields or cars, trucks, delivery vans, and other dirt-encrusted automobilia."

Crystal has refutable evidence that many automobile engines vibrate at the same frequency as the 9th Dimension, and that idling vehicles act as impromptu portal gateways to this other plane of existence. Crystal argues that the dirt acts as a communications medium, and that higher beings of pure light and cleanliness communicate harmonically to those of us stuck on the third dimension through signs on back windows, bumpers, or wherever enough dirt accumulates.

"It’s even happened to me,” said Crystal. “I woke up early one morning and, sensing something was wrong, I went straight to my Sebring. There, scrawled on the passenger-side door were the words 'wash me', with a happy face right underneath it.”

This earthy message is very common on the back sliding doors of delivery trucks, sometimes with the word "please" amended to the end of the message. Other variations have been seen: I need washing, wash time, or I'm dirty. True numbers of this paranormal phenomenon are not known. People are either too afraid or embarrassed to come forward and admit it has happened to them.

Even motorcycles and other automobiles are susceptible to this sedimentary phenomenon.

Skeptics are not convinced.

"There's a logical explanation for the appearance of sediment-based images on certain automobiles," said Dr. Tse Ling-Phan, professor of Urban Mythology. "It's very likely that this is prank generated by bored assembly line workers using high-tech acid-emulsives and space-age polymers.”

“There's an indescribable catalyst, where the dirt is hyper-sensitive--like the silver material in an Etch-a-Sketch,” said Dr. Phan. “We think that the depleted ozone layer is allowing high-intensity gamma rays to react with dirt that come in contact with certain paints.”

"I think there's an urban legend mentality about the whole 'wash-me' phenomenon," said Luc Wharme, car wash jockey. "It's more likely that the automobile industry is using a special acid-etch clear coat on the vehicles they sell. This coating makes it nearly impossible for for dirt, grime, and other mucky substances to stick to certain areas of the paint, thus revealing these mysterious messages. The question then is: if they can keep dirt from sticking to some parts of the car, why aren’t they covering the whole car with it? What’s going on there, eh? I sense a conspiracy!"

Like the mysterious crop circles in a farmer's cornfield, the strange lights in the night sky, or the unexplained sightings of Howie Mandel on network television, the "wash me" phenomenon may never be fully understood.

Biting Satire is humor and parody with teeth! Please understand that this satire article is fictitious, and only intended for entertainment purposes. Copyright Biting Satire (this year).