Harrowing Tale Of The Hamburger Helper Helping Hand
How Everyone Thumbed Their Noses At The Hand

hamburger helper helping hand
The Hamburger Helper Helping Hand was never intended to to handle this kind of meat.
The Hamburger Helper Helping Hand, the friendly little General Mills mascot who entertained television audiences for years with his cute brand of commercial appeal, has fallen on hard times.

The pasty white creature is up to his knuckles in debt and there are rumors surrounding a suspected addiction to hand lotions. Hamburger Helper Helping Hand, or 4-H to his friends—the few that are left—is at the end of a career in show business.

"He was getting to be a real handful," said Jean LeMain, 4-H's former agent. "When he first started out he had a great work ethic; he worked his fingers to the bone. But then the fame got to him, and he started thumbing his nose at the very people who had helped him get his hand in the door. Eventually, he wouldn't listen to anyone. 'Talk to the hand', he would say, before flipping them the finger."

4-H started his career as a hand model and struggled early on to get hand jobs. Opportunities were scarce and the work chafed him, but all the time he held on to his dream, to make it one day in show business, to show up those who said he’d never make it, to make his mom proud.

He got his big break in 1963 as a meat handler in a series of commercials for Steak Boy, a precursor to Hamburger Helper. Talent scouts liked his fresh, scrubbed look. Before long he was promoting sausages and finger foods. In 1977 because of his hands-on experience in the kitchen he was handed the Hamburger Helper account and became a superstar.

With the fame, and everything he ever wanted came, came an attitude that he was indispensable. He had to be treated with kid gloves by his handlers.

"I loved him," said Mittsy Mitten, a close-knit friend. "He was hand-some. But then he started to change. He stopped clipping and he started neglecting his cuticles. I would catch him looking at bare hands on the Internet. He became distant, and refused to make glove to me. 'Not tonight', he would say, 'I have a hangnail'."

The rumours of Mr. Hand’s excesses started to surface. One woman in New Jersey was caught using his middle finger to pleasure herself. He was frequently seen drunk and shouting to cars of female college students that he could add flavour to their sex life. “I’ll be there when you need a helping hand!” was his stock phrase.

Eventually, 4-H left Mittsy and his career behind in 1996 when General Mills pursued a new advertising direction, leaving him out of production.

Mr. Hand saw this as an opportunity to get his fingers wet in another industry. Unfortunately he had been spoiled by his years as top dog and couldn’t settle as merely a helping hand. He landed a string of low-end jobs as a sock puppet, but left precipitously when his boss continued to rub him the wrong way.

In 2001 Mr. Hand was stung when General Mills revived the hand helping out with Hamburger Helper, but gave the thumbs up to another actor. Despondent, sick from scented hand lotions, and with liver spots appearing everywhere, Mr. Hand finally checked into a clinic.

Mr. Hand, calloused from years of rough-handed living, is slowly recovering and coming to terms with his new position in life. He’s tired of the late nights and rough mornings. He just wants to get off the night table and back into product promotion... before he dies of a stroke.worst halloween costumes

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Biting Satire is humor and parody with teeth! Please understand that this satire article is fictitious, and only intended for entertainment purposes. Copyright Biting Satire (this year).