ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN--Rock star Ted Nugent, the wild-maned Motor City Madman, has traded in his guitar for a rifle, and launched a philanthropic venture that he hopes will ease world hunger.

A Nigerian woman demonstrates how to hold a Remington rifle as part of Ted Nugent's (inset) "Let's Arm The Children" campaign.

Nugent, long a proponent of gun-owners' rights and self-reliance, has created "Let's Arm the Children," an international organization that will put guns in the hands of orphans of war-torn and famine-ravaged sub-Saharan African nations. The children will then be instructed in the proper use of firearms for hunting.

"Let me make this clear," Nugent said from his suburban Detroit compound. "This program will teach these kids to hunt their own food, not to fight for the local warlord."

LONDON, ENGLAND-- In a press conference yesterday, the superannuated mastodons of rock ‘n’ roll, The Rolling Stones, announced plans to continue performing concerts around the world regardless of age, infirmity, or even death.

Souvenir shrouds, like this one of Keith Richards, will be available when The Rolling Stones tour after they're dead.

In a plan unveiled before stunned press reporters, each member of The Rolling Stones will, upon death, undergo a highly specialized embalming procedure similar to that used on stuffed game trophies.

Their bodies will be placed in unique, yet timeless rock star poses and then vacuum sealed inside space-age, indestructible sarcophagi. Once safely preserved inside their “Tour Tombs” The Rolling Stones will be set to "rock" in perpetuity.

Mick Jagger, lead singer of the legendary group, believes that The Rolling Stones will actually be able to play more concerts dead than they could alive.

WASHINGTON-- After years of fighting nasal oppression and sticking the finger of justice up the nose of evil, the American government is reluctantly admitting that they are losing the War Against Picking. Despite efforts that included promoting nasal hygiene, raising public awareness, and addressing social concerns, millions of Americans are still drilling for "nose candy" on a daily basis.

Young Kevin MacDermid, only eight-years-old, has been picking his nose since he was three.

VATICAN CITY-- The Roman Pontiff, as the successor of Peter, the perpetual and visible principle and foundation of unity of both the bishops and of the faithful, has expanded the Labour Office of the Pontifical See to include a new pizza making and delivery service.

Customized pizza delivery vehicles, like this one, are now quite prominent throughout Vatican City.

The pope, John Paul II, fell in love with the pizza concept early last year.

"I love these things," the pope is reported to have said. "Look, I can use my hands to eat, and better yet, if I eat out of the box there aren't any dishes to do. None!" The pope, 81, is still a bachelor, although in theory he is wedded to God. God has repeatedly said he doesn't "do" dishes.

Concerned that the faithful were not getting a properly blessed pizza, the pope decided to offer his own brand. Each pizza is officially blessed by nothing less than a cardinal before being sent out.