AROUND TOWN-- Sheldon Whittneir lives in a modern society. He believes he has good values, he has a healthy respect for women, and he is courteous towards the elderly and the infirmed. Overall, Sheldon is a good guy.

Sheldon Whittneir seen at a local nightclub with Tessa Wright (left) and Bobbi Levington.

But last week when he brought his friend Tessa Wright over to meet his parents, his mother reacted with shock and disdain.

"I don't want my Sheldon dating no coloured girls," exclaimed Edith Whittneir, 58. "There are enough blondes, brunettes, and redheads in the city for him to associate with."

Sheldon was completely embarrassed by his mother's reaction.

Studies were done that showed evidence that monkeys responded to certain erotic stimuli, and that if a monkey had money, he would spend it on porn.

I guess the old adage holds true: "If you peel a banana for a monkey, he will eat for a day. But if you teach a monkey how to surf the Internet, he will find his own peelers."

MIDDLE EARTH -- When you're traveling from Rohan to Gondor, you might find these little thoughts handey:

"If you ever drop your One Ring into a river of molten lava, just let it go, because man, it's gone."

"When you're killing orcs, it's always better to keep score, because I think they have a trophy for Most Orcs Killed. There might also be a second place award, but it's probably something silly like an orc keychain."

"If you saw two guys in Edoras named Elandiel Goldenbow and Bob, which one would you think is the Elve? I'd say Goldenbow wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Bob."

"If an old wizard knocks on your door with the intention of entrusting you with an important quest, answer in a high-pitched voice and say 'sorry, I'm taking a nap.' "

"If a tree falls in the Fangorn Forest, does it make a sound? And is that sound a swear word? "

LOCH LORIEL, SCOTLAND-- If you happen to be on the streets of New York and you see a wild-eyed Scotsman charging towards you with an 8-foot broadsword, you had better run, because he's probably not interested in discussing the political climate, or the outcome of the latest Rangers game. More likely, he's out for your head, because as an immortal, you stand a higher risk of decapitation than your mortal human brothers.

Who wants to live forever? I do!

No, it doesn't make a lot of sense that as someone who cannot die (unless your head accidentally gets separated from your neck), you fear more for your life than your puny mortal cousins.

But as it was taught to you by your ostentatious mentor some five or six hundred years ago, you are required by some code to roam the Earth searching for your brethren, so that you can eliminate them and win the so-called "prize."

I don't know what could be a better prize than immortality. But you'd think that someone who could live forever would be living a more care-free existence, using his knowledge, wisdom, and experience to gain worldly wealth and power.

But instead of basking in your extended earthly existence, you're skulking around New York City alleys, waiting for an opportunity to behead one of your buddies with a kaitana.