It's been a couple of weeks since you last had the thick grime removed from your Honda, and because of the miserable road conditions lately, even more layers of salt and dirt have accumulated on the outside of your economy vehicle.

You know your car is in serious need of a good washing, but you just haven't had the time to hose it off yourself or get it to the local "touch less" carwash. But today, as you prepared for the morning work commute in your mud-ravaged vehicle, you noticed a suspiciously odd message scrolled, scribbled, or possibly etched into the heavy cake of dirt on the rear hatch of your car.

The Hamburger Helper Helping Hand, the friendly little General Mills mascot who entertained television audiences for years with his cute brand of commercial appeal, has fallen on hard times.

The pasty white creature is up to his knuckles in debt and there are rumors surrounding a suspected addiction to hand lotions. Hamburger Helper Helping Hand, or 4-H to his friends—the few that are left—is at the end of a career in show business.

THOMAS CRAPPER

What were your parents thinking when picked out this costume for you? They did pick it didn't they?

Well, if you're used to being shit on, I guess Potty Pete is the perfect costume for you. Yes, the girls are really going to love you at the Hallowe'en party...because they won't have to wait in line for the bathroom.

Every time you sit down, someone's going to try to piss down the front of you. And look, you've got an extra roll of "TP" to help people with their paperwork.

Yes sir, you will be the Porcelain King! And your drunken subjects will be kneeling before you and your throne. Congratulations, Toilet Man.

HOLLYWOOD-- It's sad when you watch a low-budget adult pornographic movie and you recognize one of the characters--a former exploited minor. "Hey, I used to see that kid act in pre-teen fuck films. I wonder what he's doing now?"

Child porn stars are often stereotyped, one-dimensional characters that utter ghastly written lines from poorly rehashed scripts--if there ever is a script. It makes it nearly impossible to for them to grow as legitimate porn actors when the audience and public just want them to remain perversely cute and vulnerable.